Depression is back with a vengeance, this time joined by hormonal reinforcements courtesy of my starting birth control.

Fun story: I probably have PCOS. The gynocologist told me this, and then went "and I'm not giving you any medication, because you need to lose weight" and shoved me out of the room, having seen me for a total of about ten minutes, five of which were answering the "do you smoke, are you pregnant" questions, five of which were him lecturing me about how I need to control my weight and my diabetes better. Uh, guy, did you miss the part where I'm ten kilos lighter than I was two and a half years ago, and the part where I tried to kill myself three years ago? And the part where I'm only now getting better?

Oh, and also the part where every member of my family, except for my oldest brother (who was an undiagnosed diabetic for so long that when he was diagnosed, his weight had dropped down to 35 kilos. This is... a bit less than eighty pounds, for a fourteen-year-old boy. He has never been able to gain weight properly since then), is overweight? My father had two surgeries for weight problems, including gastric banding, and still died morbidly obese. I'm not overweight because I eat too much. I'm overweight because of genetics, because when I was young we were technically impoverished but didn't qualify for government assistance and thus had to eat cheap-and-crappy food, because my metabolism is fucked from the year I spent living off pasta and canned mushrooms because after rent and medication I had $100 a week to get me to work and to buy groceries with, because exercising is fucking hard when a) you have joint problems and ankle issues and b) you're so badly depressed that sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed, because I don't eat regularly or enough so my body hoardes because it thinks I'm going to starve. Most of this is my fault, yes, but I need my doctors to at least understand that some of it isn't, that I've been overweight since I was a child and that it's not all because I'm a lazy slob who eats all day.

So, yes. No medication, just "you're fat, stop being fat".

So, a couple weeks later, I went to the first diabetic appointment I've had since I was eighteen. (You're meant to have them every four months or so. It's taken this long for me to trust doctors again since the one who told me that I couldn't breathe because I was fat, not because I had a lung infection that landed me in hospital when I fainted on the bus a few days later.) My endocrinologist, who is lovely, found out about the gyno, looked horrified and started me on hormonal birth control right away, because it turns out that if you don't shed uterine lining for as long as I've been not bleeding -- coming up on two years -- then your chances of uterine cancer are massively increased. She also got me to see a dietician who understands that my diet is a problem not because I overeat, but because I actively dislike eating and have spent the past many months having one meal a day. (This is improving now that I am living with people who are home more than just in the evening, because someone always prods me to eat lunch.)

So I have birth control now. I did not miss the bleeding or the cramps or the way my emotions are all over the place right now -- I ended up crying while we were shopping for chairs because the prices weren't what they'd said on the website and I had gone to special trouble to list the ones I thought would be best, based on price and weight capacity -- but hopefully this will help settle some things, at least.